HAPPY HAWKER LIONS FRIDAY:
Drew Sharp, Detroit Free Press Columnist
Drew Sharp predicts every game as part of our preview coverage of the 2016 Detroit Lions and the NFL season.
Hear ye, hear ye. Everyone take their seats and let’s call to order the season’s first meeting of the Jim Caldwell Dungeon of Doom.
Could somebody pull the shades over in the corner? They’re letting in too much sunshine.
Before we project the coming season as only we can, let us first recite the oath of allegiance.
The same old stuff since 1957.
Makes 8-8 feel like a little piece of heaven.
A playoff win we hope for with each breath
Until finally freed by the sweet release of death
Woe, Lions
Meow
Game 1 at Indianapolis – Worried that the Colts’ tissue-thin offensive line can’t protect Andrew Luck while permitting the admittance of unwanted pass rushers, team ownership enlists the services of Donald Trump to build a wall around their quarterback. And have the Lions pay for it. WIN, 1-0 RECORD
Game 2 vs. Tennessee – The debut of the Lions’ new cheerleaders doesn’t have the desired appeal when it creates another special teams’ numbers calamity. The Lions have a field goal taken off the board when they’re flagged for 32 men on the field. WIN, 2-0
Game 3 at Green Bay – Owner Martha Ford openly wonders why there isn’t more national coverage over the Lions’ 2-0 start. When asked why ESPN isn’t around, she’s told that the Four Letter Network was doing a three-part essay on Jim Harbaugh’s latest prostate exam. LOSS, 2-1
Game 4 at Chicago – Only in Detroit is there more interest in the fate of a third-string quarterback who won’t take a single regular season practice snap. But in a weekly poll, Jake Rudock is in the lead for the practice squad Heisman Trophy, sending Lions fans into a tizzy. LOSS, 2-2
Game 5 vs. Philadelphia – Fans entering Ford Field think the Lions have erected a statue of rookie left tackle Taylor Decker near the stadium entrance. But it’s actually Decker – bronzed, prone and looking behind him as another edge rusher blows past him. WIN, 3-2
Game 6 vs. Los Angeles – Just insert whatever Eric Ebron-instead-of-Aaron Donald draft joke that applies. And, fortunately, there are plenty of them from which to choose. WIN, 4-2
Game 7 vs. Washington – Rudock jerseys are flying off the shelves at the Lions’ merchandise store after Harbaugh tells inquisitive reporters in Ann Arbor that his former Michigan quarterback has tackled the technique of holding a clipboard on the sidelines with an “enthusiasm unknown to mankind.” WIN, 5-2
Game 8 at Houston – Caldwell cites a little confusion with the Lions’ new hurry-up offense when, in an effort to save time, Matthew Stafford quickly takes a quarterback sack as soon as he takes the snap. LOSS, 5-3
Game 9 at Minnesota – The Lions are stunned that the traditionally brittle Sam Bradford beat them. Caldwell’s game management comes under fire once again when he doesn’t demand an explanation from the league as to how Bradford could still throw three touchdown passes while standing on crutches. LOSS, 5-4
Game 10 vs. Jacksonville – The Lions approach Harbaugh about coaching the team in his spare time from the Wolverines. He declines because he offered to manage the Tigers’ winter instructional league team and there’s also a little matter of him being elected President of the United States as a sixth party candidate. LOSS, 5-5
Game 11 vs. Minnesota – It’s an historic occasion at Ford Field as the Lions finally have that long awaited championship banner-raising ceremony after Calvin Johnson wins “Dancing with the Stars.” LOSS, 5-6
Game 12 at New Orleans – Outraged over her team’s five game-losing streak, Mrs. Ford fires Martin Mayhew and Tom Lewand once again for old time’s sake. And – once again – she’s hailed for exhibiting a passion rarely seen from previous ownership. LOSS, 5-7
Game 13 vs. Chicago – The television ratings success of Dancing Megatron inspires a spinoff of the series The Walking Dead involving the Lions’ offensive line posing as stationary orange traffic cones. Rudock rejects a promotion from the practice squad realizing his popularity will drop as soon as he takes his first actual game snap. WIN ,6-7
Game 14 at New York Giants – The formal “Lionization” of new general manager Bob Quinn happens after he signs Stafford to a $120 million contract extension and he promptly throws three interceptions. Quinn’s found in his office curled up in a corner, playing with his New England Super Bowl rings and babbling incoherently. LOSS, 6-8
Game 15 at Dallas – Before a national Monday night audience, the Lions officially unveil next season’s commemorative lego honoring the 60th anniversary of their last NFL championship. It’s the image of a lion “paws up” with its eyes knocked out and a white flag raised on its tail. WIN, 7-8
Game 16 vs. Green Bay – The Lions embark upon another head coaching search following another disappointing season. Mrs. Ford demands that Quinn hire any available Harbaugh. Quinn promptly interviews “Whole Milk,” Harbaugh’s cat, for the job. And visions of a 2018 Super Bowl dance in everyone’s heads. FINAL RECORD: 7-9
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| Hawker's new boss. |
Hear ye, hear ye. Everyone take their seats and let’s call to order the season’s first meeting of the Jim Caldwell Dungeon of Doom.
Could somebody pull the shades over in the corner? They’re letting in too much sunshine.
Before we project the coming season as only we can, let us first recite the oath of allegiance.
The same old stuff since 1957.
Makes 8-8 feel like a little piece of heaven.
A playoff win we hope for with each breath
Until finally freed by the sweet release of death
Woe, Lions
Meow
Game 1 at Indianapolis – Worried that the Colts’ tissue-thin offensive line can’t protect Andrew Luck while permitting the admittance of unwanted pass rushers, team ownership enlists the services of Donald Trump to build a wall around their quarterback. And have the Lions pay for it. WIN, 1-0 RECORD
Game 2 vs. Tennessee – The debut of the Lions’ new cheerleaders doesn’t have the desired appeal when it creates another special teams’ numbers calamity. The Lions have a field goal taken off the board when they’re flagged for 32 men on the field. WIN, 2-0
Game 3 at Green Bay – Owner Martha Ford openly wonders why there isn’t more national coverage over the Lions’ 2-0 start. When asked why ESPN isn’t around, she’s told that the Four Letter Network was doing a three-part essay on Jim Harbaugh’s latest prostate exam. LOSS, 2-1
Game 4 at Chicago – Only in Detroit is there more interest in the fate of a third-string quarterback who won’t take a single regular season practice snap. But in a weekly poll, Jake Rudock is in the lead for the practice squad Heisman Trophy, sending Lions fans into a tizzy. LOSS, 2-2
Game 5 vs. Philadelphia – Fans entering Ford Field think the Lions have erected a statue of rookie left tackle Taylor Decker near the stadium entrance. But it’s actually Decker – bronzed, prone and looking behind him as another edge rusher blows past him. WIN, 3-2
Game 6 vs. Los Angeles – Just insert whatever Eric Ebron-instead-of-Aaron Donald draft joke that applies. And, fortunately, there are plenty of them from which to choose. WIN, 4-2
Game 7 vs. Washington – Rudock jerseys are flying off the shelves at the Lions’ merchandise store after Harbaugh tells inquisitive reporters in Ann Arbor that his former Michigan quarterback has tackled the technique of holding a clipboard on the sidelines with an “enthusiasm unknown to mankind.” WIN, 5-2
Game 8 at Houston – Caldwell cites a little confusion with the Lions’ new hurry-up offense when, in an effort to save time, Matthew Stafford quickly takes a quarterback sack as soon as he takes the snap. LOSS, 5-3
Game 9 at Minnesota – The Lions are stunned that the traditionally brittle Sam Bradford beat them. Caldwell’s game management comes under fire once again when he doesn’t demand an explanation from the league as to how Bradford could still throw three touchdown passes while standing on crutches. LOSS, 5-4
Game 10 vs. Jacksonville – The Lions approach Harbaugh about coaching the team in his spare time from the Wolverines. He declines because he offered to manage the Tigers’ winter instructional league team and there’s also a little matter of him being elected President of the United States as a sixth party candidate. LOSS, 5-5
Game 11 vs. Minnesota – It’s an historic occasion at Ford Field as the Lions finally have that long awaited championship banner-raising ceremony after Calvin Johnson wins “Dancing with the Stars.” LOSS, 5-6
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| Tommy Boy Lewand |
Game 12 at New Orleans – Outraged over her team’s five game-losing streak, Mrs. Ford fires Martin Mayhew and Tom Lewand once again for old time’s sake. And – once again – she’s hailed for exhibiting a passion rarely seen from previous ownership. LOSS, 5-7
Game 13 vs. Chicago – The television ratings success of Dancing Megatron inspires a spinoff of the series The Walking Dead involving the Lions’ offensive line posing as stationary orange traffic cones. Rudock rejects a promotion from the practice squad realizing his popularity will drop as soon as he takes his first actual game snap. WIN ,6-7
Game 14 at New York Giants – The formal “Lionization” of new general manager Bob Quinn happens after he signs Stafford to a $120 million contract extension and he promptly throws three interceptions. Quinn’s found in his office curled up in a corner, playing with his New England Super Bowl rings and babbling incoherently. LOSS, 6-8
Game 15 at Dallas – Before a national Monday night audience, the Lions officially unveil next season’s commemorative lego honoring the 60th anniversary of their last NFL championship. It’s the image of a lion “paws up” with its eyes knocked out and a white flag raised on its tail. WIN, 7-8
Game 16 vs. Green Bay – The Lions embark upon another head coaching search following another disappointing season. Mrs. Ford demands that Quinn hire any available Harbaugh. Quinn promptly interviews “Whole Milk,” Harbaugh’s cat, for the job. And visions of a 2018 Super Bowl dance in everyone’s heads. FINAL RECORD: 7-9
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