WHAT THEY'RE SAYING IN DETROIT
Detroit Lions' only hope?
An emergency manager
Detroit Lions former running back Barry Sanders announces tight end Eric Ebron (North Carolina) as the 10th overall pick in the first round of the 2014 NFL draft by the Detroit Lions during the 2014 NFL draft at Radio City Music Hall. / Brad Penner/USA TODAY Sports
By Stephen Henderson
Detroit Free Press
5/12/14
I was startled to pick up the phone Friday and hear NFL commissioner Roger Goodell’s voice on the other end:
“Stephen, can you tell me a little about this emergency manager law there in Michigan? How’s that working out?”
Have you got the right number, commissioner? Mitch Albom. Drew Sharp. Dave Birkett. Those are your guys, right?
“Yeah, normally. But I need someone who’s watched this emergency manager situation pretty closely.”
It’s hit or miss, I guess, commissioner. When local government officials spend years fouling up finances or management, state government sends an all-powerful EM to straighten things out. Sometimes it works. Other times, it just ushers in the inevitable, like with the bankruptcy here in Detroit.
“But the idea is to take dramatic, swift action to reverse a long-term negative trend, right?”
Sure.
“And the costs, are they reasona—”
Sorry to interrupt, commissioner. But where are we going here? You running for governor or something?
“No, I’m thinking about your NFL franchise there in Detroit.”
The Lions. Or the Loserly Lions, as we call them. The Feeble Felines. Or the Lie-downs.
“Exactly. Enough’s enough. We’ve watched this team swirl the drain for 60 years. No Super Bowls. Almost no playoff wins. Revolving-door coaching and management. It’s time for league intervention, Stephen.
“I’m going to appoint an emergency manager for the Lions.”
Whooooaaa. Really? Are you serious?
“Serious as third and 35. It’s time for something drastic and dramatic — a real change in direction that I don’t think can come from current management. Don’t you see the parallel? Detroit government needed an outsider to inject a whole new way of thinking about the city’s problems. This NFL franchise needs the same thing. A turnaround specialist with no ties to the sorry past, no local allegiances to worry about, and a cutthroat, win-at-all-costs attitude.”
That sounds pretty good. But where’ve you been? We’ve been suffering for decades in this city. I’ve told my 10-year-old son, who’s just learning the game and becoming a fan, that he’ll likely go his whole life without seeing a Lions Super Bowl — just like his dad.
“Last week’s draft really sealed it for me. The way this league works, the worst teams get the best draft opportunities. That’s how we make it possible for teams to go, pretty quickly, from worst to first. For you guys, that should be working out most years because your record’s so bad. This year, you had the 10th overall pick. But what did you do with it?”
We chose a tight end.
“Yeah, you chose a tight end! On a team that has two young tight ends already. On a team whose defense is bottom third in the league for pass yards, rush yards and turnovers.”
It did make me wonder whether someone had slipped LSD into the general manager’s coffee.
“That reminds me, Stephen. I need to make a note: It may be time to extend the league’s substance-abuse policy to front-office personnel. Anyway, no one picks tight ends in the top 10. No one. It’s lunacy. It’s only happened a few times in the last quarter century, and even then, it was on teams that were already pretty good — which you’re definitely not. This happens over and over again in Detroit. Opportunity gets blown. Bad records pile up. I don’t think we can just ignore this anymore.”
OK, so let me push back a little bit. The Ford family owns this team. As in Henry Ford, the creator of the middle class. They’re corporate good guys around here. They’re super-loyal to the city and to the people who play for them, and they even moved the team back downtown after three decades in the suburbs. Wouldn’t appointing an emergency manager disrespect them?
“Maybe. And you’re right — this is a league of owners. And it’s about money, which the Lions make plenty of. But isn’t the game supposed to be about the fans? Isn’t it supposed to give everyone the sense that, come September, you’ve got at least a reasonable hope that your team will get to the playoffs, and someday, to the Super Bowl? You said it yourself, Stephen. You don’t even have hope that your 10-year-old son will see a Lions Super Bowl. Aren’t you sick of it?”
Without a doubt. But we have had a lot of great players come through here. I always figured, eventually, it’ll work out.
“Right. Won’t happen. Think of the great players who’ve seen their careers die there in Detroit. Herman Moore. Lomas Brown. And of course, Hall of Famer Barry Sanders. Those guys deserved to be on teams that could win something. They certainly didn’t deserve all the competitive futility and incompetence they endured.”
Yeah, Sanders looked pitiful on draft day, sidling up to the microphone on behalf of the team and announcing that they were using the 10th pick on a tight end. I half-expected him to grab the mic, and say: Whaaaaaat?!?! C’mon, man!
“He should have. And I should have acted a long time ago to stop this. I won’t sit on my hands any longer, though. I’m interviewing candidates now. People who have helped teams like New Orleans, Seattle, even Carolina climb out of the cellar and get to the Super Bowl.”
I guess things can’t get any worse for us.
“Don’t get carried away, Stephen. You could be a Cleveland Browns fan.”
“Stephen, can you tell me a little about this emergency manager law there in Michigan? How’s that working out?”
Have you got the right number, commissioner? Mitch Albom. Drew Sharp. Dave Birkett. Those are your guys, right?
“Yeah, normally. But I need someone who’s watched this emergency manager situation pretty closely.”
It’s hit or miss, I guess, commissioner. When local government officials spend years fouling up finances or management, state government sends an all-powerful EM to straighten things out. Sometimes it works. Other times, it just ushers in the inevitable, like with the bankruptcy here in Detroit.
“But the idea is to take dramatic, swift action to reverse a long-term negative trend, right?”
Sure.
“And the costs, are they reasona—”
Sorry to interrupt, commissioner. But where are we going here? You running for governor or something?
“No, I’m thinking about your NFL franchise there in Detroit.”
The Lions. Or the Loserly Lions, as we call them. The Feeble Felines. Or the Lie-downs.
“Exactly. Enough’s enough. We’ve watched this team swirl the drain for 60 years. No Super Bowls. Almost no playoff wins. Revolving-door coaching and management. It’s time for league intervention, Stephen.
“I’m going to appoint an emergency manager for the Lions.”
Whooooaaa. Really? Are you serious?
“Serious as third and 35. It’s time for something drastic and dramatic — a real change in direction that I don’t think can come from current management. Don’t you see the parallel? Detroit government needed an outsider to inject a whole new way of thinking about the city’s problems. This NFL franchise needs the same thing. A turnaround specialist with no ties to the sorry past, no local allegiances to worry about, and a cutthroat, win-at-all-costs attitude.”
That sounds pretty good. But where’ve you been? We’ve been suffering for decades in this city. I’ve told my 10-year-old son, who’s just learning the game and becoming a fan, that he’ll likely go his whole life without seeing a Lions Super Bowl — just like his dad.
“Last week’s draft really sealed it for me. The way this league works, the worst teams get the best draft opportunities. That’s how we make it possible for teams to go, pretty quickly, from worst to first. For you guys, that should be working out most years because your record’s so bad. This year, you had the 10th overall pick. But what did you do with it?”
We chose a tight end.
“Yeah, you chose a tight end! On a team that has two young tight ends already. On a team whose defense is bottom third in the league for pass yards, rush yards and turnovers.”
It did make me wonder whether someone had slipped LSD into the general manager’s coffee.
“That reminds me, Stephen. I need to make a note: It may be time to extend the league’s substance-abuse policy to front-office personnel. Anyway, no one picks tight ends in the top 10. No one. It’s lunacy. It’s only happened a few times in the last quarter century, and even then, it was on teams that were already pretty good — which you’re definitely not. This happens over and over again in Detroit. Opportunity gets blown. Bad records pile up. I don’t think we can just ignore this anymore.”
OK, so let me push back a little bit. The Ford family owns this team. As in Henry Ford, the creator of the middle class. They’re corporate good guys around here. They’re super-loyal to the city and to the people who play for them, and they even moved the team back downtown after three decades in the suburbs. Wouldn’t appointing an emergency manager disrespect them?
“Maybe. And you’re right — this is a league of owners. And it’s about money, which the Lions make plenty of. But isn’t the game supposed to be about the fans? Isn’t it supposed to give everyone the sense that, come September, you’ve got at least a reasonable hope that your team will get to the playoffs, and someday, to the Super Bowl? You said it yourself, Stephen. You don’t even have hope that your 10-year-old son will see a Lions Super Bowl. Aren’t you sick of it?”
Without a doubt. But we have had a lot of great players come through here. I always figured, eventually, it’ll work out.
“Right. Won’t happen. Think of the great players who’ve seen their careers die there in Detroit. Herman Moore. Lomas Brown. And of course, Hall of Famer Barry Sanders. Those guys deserved to be on teams that could win something. They certainly didn’t deserve all the competitive futility and incompetence they endured.”
Yeah, Sanders looked pitiful on draft day, sidling up to the microphone on behalf of the team and announcing that they were using the 10th pick on a tight end. I half-expected him to grab the mic, and say: Whaaaaaat?!?! C’mon, man!
“He should have. And I should have acted a long time ago to stop this. I won’t sit on my hands any longer, though. I’m interviewing candidates now. People who have helped teams like New Orleans, Seattle, even Carolina climb out of the cellar and get to the Super Bowl.”
I guess things can’t get any worse for us.
“Don’t get carried away, Stephen. You could be a Cleveland Browns fan.”
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