20TH ANNUAL NMU PACKER WEEKEND: OFFICIAL SCRIPT PRESENTED BY ANDUZZI'S
& CARL "BUCK" NYSTROM

Men, if there is one thing I learned from Professor Bing (or Biggie Munn, I forget) it's two things:

1. You gotta piss hard against the sidewalk; and

2. You gotta stay on script.

Before I get to the script a few thoughts on this year's roster.

• Dahlke. Simple guy. My kind of guy and a helluva reach blocker.
• Gregory. Not a simple guy. A head case. Still is.
• Kraylovac. Jimmy' finest moment for me was the Ashland Mud Bowl when Dahlke got thrown out for ripping that linebackers face mask off. That one worked out niiicce.
• Nickels. That kid from Okunto. I virtually invented this guy through sheer force of will. Berruttit too for that matter.
• Wall. Nice range guy. Spends too much time in the dorms playing records, damn hippie. What's this damn defensive player doing in with my guys? Should have made him a tight end. I hear he's a union guy on a goddamm lean-to job now.
• Modjeleski. A nice what? Sophisticated guard from Brown Deer. Nice.
• Sweeney. I tell you why your back hurts Sweeney. Yooourre (still) too fat!
• Stew. Love those Hofer guys from Menonmimee County. I shoud've run the Wing-T with that sumbitch.
• Strube. Good looking kid, a real snatch magnet. Like how I stock-piled him, Nickel, and Wentland at Tight End in 91 and then threw them 7 passes all year? See, I can't stand a drop back passer with a cannon for an arm who all his lineman loved. I need a sprint-out quarterback to validate all of my theories about offensive football. You were all just lab rats in my grand experiment, you see.
• Goerlitz. Liked the Dad, not sure about the kid. Good Germans from Milwaukee.
  

It's a good crew, men. Nice fibers and characteristics. Really glad you guys all get together for a Packer game every year. It's part of our common Northeast Wisconsin/U.P. heritage. Did I ever tell you about the story with the little old man and the bird in his hand? It goes like this, little old man, little old man . . . ah to hell with it.

Here's the script. Get your knees bent. Get your back straight and put it right in someone's thighboards.

Saturday, December 26

• Noon to 3pm: Put your hand on the line and "All up" for Rally at the Residence Inn. Same room as the last two years men with a good view of our objective - Lambeau Field (a.k.a. the New Stadium).
• 1 to 5pm-Gregory and Kraylovac go on a scout team mission to identify bars for Saturday night. Don't forget to stop by Fuzzy Thurston's No. 63. Can't believe that clown from Valpo made it in the pro's and I didn't.
• 5pm - 530pm- Jingle Jangle.
• 530pm - Start driking heavily. Someone bring the Crowne Royal as Mojikowski will not be there until Sunday.
• 6 pm - Bubba pulls into an early lead for MVD.
• 7:30 pm - The Mayor asks for contributions to the Chezury. Note, Gregory paid for the hotel so don't let Charlie add that to his bill for services rendered.
• 8:00 pm - Bucky's Limo arrives. Apparently he wants no smoking this year. Men, we used to smoke cigs at half-time in the 50's that's all I'm going to say. That and hard-ons are all circulation so don't overindulge. Word to the wise from a man with flabitis.
• 8:30 pm - Korner Pub, eastside. It's like 34 lead base men. Keep running this play until it doesn't work and then run it a few more times. Again, I can't stress this enough. Football is not about players. It's about all about using you as a vehicle to prove my theories about blocking techniques and offensive play calling.
• 9:30 pm - Team meeting at the Oval Office.
• 10:30 pm - Someone pukes in the limo. Again men, it's tradition. Don't let me down.
• 11:00pm to 1:00 am - Pound the bricks and put Japanese discs in your ass and dance at a honky tonk.
• 1am to close - Go to Anduzzi's just to piss off Nickels. Confront and Demand.
• 2 am - check to see if Wall is still with you. If he is, something is wrong.
• 2:30 am to 4 am - Fellowship.
• 4 am - cover Bubba in clothes, wrappers, chew bottles, trash, whatever you can find, and take pictures.

Sunday, December 27

• 8 am - debate going to tailgate and decide not to.
• 10 am - take drugs if necessary to revive yourself. In the immortal words of Phil Elliott in North Dallas Forty "You can always count on me to do whatever it take to play B.A. Hell, I love needles."
• 11:45 am - Pre-game speech "Pound Green Pound. Smoke Green Smoke. Give me a chance Coach. Coach me Coach."
• Noon - It's a beautiful day . . . . for football. Cram your fat asses into your tiny row and get ready to chant "Go Pack Go!" 238 times.
• 1:30 pm - jam to Todd Rundgren's classic "Bang on the Drum on All Day."
• 2:30 pm - last call for acohol . . . . in the stadium. Put your hand on the line and get your drink on.
• 3:30 pm - Game Over. Now it's on to the real Fourth Quarter. FOOOURR!! Whatever you do, do not stop drinking. Do not take a nap. This is no time to get on a goddammn non-agression pact!
• 4:00 pm - 50 Yard Line and/or Stadium View. I'm pretty sure they are the same place.
• 6:00 pm - Anduzzi's. Reminder, women wearing Packer No. 50 jerseys do not like to be told they look like A.J. Hawk.
• 8:00 pm - find a dead-end bar that will still have you on a Sunday 2 days after Christmas and stay there until midnight or so.
• Midnight - And then, depression set in. Name and MVD.

Monday, December 28

• Go home with a scorching hang-over and a few new regrets. See you next year for our 21st birthday.

Don't forget your emergency contacts:

• The Mayor's cell, (920) 433-6563.
• The Mayor's office, (866) 224-3190
• The Oval Office, (920) 569-1888.
• Mystic (to place an order), (414) 429-8077.
• Brown County Jail, 3030 Curry Lane, (920) 448-4250.
• Dave Babe, (517) 303-6788.
• Bellin Hospital, 1744 S. Webster (conveniently close to the hotel), (920) 433-3500.
• Stitch Jones (for purposes of harrasing phone calls), (906) 367-7018.
• The former Korner Pub, the official bar of the NMU Packer Weekend, 1605 University, (920) 432-9691.
• Chris "Cuddles" Goerlitz (if you know someone who can cat sit for him), (215) 783-1946